Archive for the ‘Wordsmithing’ Category

From the darkness! It emerges

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

Well I’ve been at it since I got back in from work on friday, stopping only for tea, cider, about 4 hours sleep, more tea and occasional forays into the wilderness. My eyes are red, my hermitage cell is in an extreme state of disarray… but it’s done.   First Draft of my play “Jenga”   The title is a temporary one, because I have an irrational aversion to one-word titles. Also considering “Tyrants Tower” and “Foodchain Store”   It’s the strange comic tale of Alan & Bobbert, two men who wake up inside a collapsed/collapsing office building, with little memory of what happened… only to discover that things get even weirder than that. The dead aren’t dying, the Production Department has started a Soviet Republic on the third floor, human resources turn out to be robots and Catering Department have turned to cannibalism… but this isn’t everything. Something is wrong, the building is… changing… and our unlikely heroes must unravel the mystery of the tower before everything comes undone…   IT’S GREAT. And I may just post some samples of it when I get a spare minute.   But first. I need to collapse in a corner somewhere

Cold Turkey - the reviews so far

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Well the book is out, and people (god help them) have actually read it, so in the spirit of actually remembering to update my blog once in a blue moon, I thought I would post a few reviews.

 

Firstly, one from Australia’s Guerilla Capitalist and Anarchist rebel Royce Christian, kindly posted on his blog

 

t was Thursday.

Detective Cold Turkey knew this because he had read it in his horoscope yesterday.  Say what you like about astrologers but they know what the day is.  They even know what the day is going to be, which was more than Cold Turkey could usually say for himself.

He felt hung over.  His body felt like it had lost an arms race with a major superpower.  This was far from ideal but at least it went some way to explaining the terrible pain in his head.  Heck, it was even a partial explanation for the rope and the blindfold.

There was still, however, one mystery that had not, as yet, become clear.

Even as the thin mists of consciousness enveloped his feeble mind and started to kick-start reality, Cold Turkey knew it was going to be a bad day.  He knew this not because of his horoscope but because he was hanging upside down, some distance from the floor, in ever increasing agony.

Good days do not start like this.

Admittedly Cold Turkey had been having a ‘bad lifespan’ but this really took the biscuit.

This was almost as bad as the Unfortunate Misunderstanding with the Broccoli, except that there were fewer victims this time and he was immobilised with rope rather than used copies of Gardeners World. It was altogether too much for a Thursday Morning.  He couldn’t even remember where he left Wednesday evening, let alone anything important like: where is the aspirin? And, what didn’t I do last night?

Cold’s stomach started suggesting that it might be about to take matters into his own hands and begin examining the evidence from the previous evening.

Things clearly couldn’t go on like this, so Cold decided on a firm course of action.  He struggled lamely against his bindings and went “mmpmmh”.

It was at this point in the proceedings that Cold Turkey heard something interesting and enlightening.

Cold Turkey could list many noises he didn’t like to hear whilst hung over. “Ah, he is awake, let’s teach him a lesson he won’t forget in a hurry” wasn’t one of them, but he was none the happier to hear it anyway.

He left the familiar and unhappy torture of his hangover and entered the slightly less familiar world of searing pain.

And to think this had all started only last Friday.

Cold knew it had been a Friday because he had read it in his horoscope.

And so begins he tale of Cold Turkey and the Case of the Missing Crime by Samuel Morris, a comical, surreal and  seemingly absurdist tale set in none other than the English city of Stoke-on-Trent, and focusing on the misadventures of the former superhero turned private detective, Cold Turkey as he fights to save the city from the evil Captain Rightwing.

The novel itself is something akin to what you would expect of a comic book’s debauched liaison with a DvD containing a season of the Mighty Boosh; a series of non sequiters, private in-jokes and witty observations folded neatly around a bizarre story-line of lycra wearing super-heroes, some bad, some good, most useless.

As you probably have guessed, the novel itself is described by its author as ‘anarchistic’ who, as legend has it, is himself an Anarchist of some description.  Although the novel is far from a didactic piece, but there are moments of clarity where the reader is slapped in the face with a mildly camouflaged anti-state moral, often amidst moments of chaos or calamity to illustrate the point.

Whether it’s a description of the banking system as one that is easier to break into the cavernous halls of the vault than it is to break out, or the mere image of a‘regiment of freelance superheros’ atop a police van (with the police logo ‘Lice’ formerly written upon the side) converted into a boat for the purpose of beginning the battle against against the evil-doers to cries of “Up the revolution!” and “Bacon sarnies for the people!” –there are many reason to read Cold Turkey.

Samuel Morris, truly has his own unique style.  It’s his witty turn of phrase that makes the book a great read, and if you have a quirky, off-beat sense of humour,Cold Turkey will certainly appeal.

Now we come to the shameless plug, where I urge you to buy the novel and support Samuel is his David-and-Goliath struggle against some equally shameless publishing giants who have refused to publish the book.

So, Samuel has decided to publish independently.

Cold Turkey may be purchased through Amazon, directly through the publisherMelrose Books, or through any small bookshop with the ISBN;

ISBN-10: 1906561303
ISBN-13: 978-1906561307

Help keep Samuel Morris in a healthy supply of biscuits so that he may continue writing.

 

And nextly, The Amazon Reviews, at least one of whom doesn’t appear to be from somebody I know

 

 

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars Rankine meets Spillane meets Marvel in Stoke,26 Mar 2009
By  Mike Capay “Chen Tui” (Cambridgeshire, UK) - See all my reviews

The more I read of this the more I enjoyed until I found I couldn’t put it down. This author has his own style and, whilst influences can be detected, the style is unque and very enjoyable. It’s light-hearted and concerns an unlikely hero, a useless private detective named ‘Cold Turkey’, who assisted by Big Fat Martin, unwittingly fights to save Stoke from domination by the treacherous Mr. Rightwing (of the Union of Crimefighting Super Heroes) after Cold determines to find out how £10 was stolen from his bank account. There are some delightfully bizarre characters, especially India, the Hippy Assassin who has some rather surprising tools of his trade. And you’ll find the explanation of how Bank Accounts and Cash Machines work both very odd, plausible and hilarious. My one criticism is that the author’s photo is on the inside rear of the dustjacket and if, like me, you use this as a book mark, you may be disturbed by the way his eyes peer out at you as if his strange powers are helping him watch you reading…

 

2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars STOKE:ON TRENT COMES ALIVE, 8 April 2009
By  HS “GM” (SCOTLAND) - See all my reviews

An extremely funny book if you enjoy off beat humour. Deserves 5 stars but I gave it four as it needs editing. A good editor could turn this into a bestseller and it would make a hoot of a film. Most I’ve enjoyed a novel this year and I read a lot. More please.

5.0 out of 5 stars Hapless Hero Detective Saves the Day!, 12 April 2009
By  Ms. V. S. Leith “purple_bus” (London) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

I absolutely LOVED this book! What makes a Hero super? What indeed. Very sad to have consumed already- Write another one! If you like hopeless situations, sibling rivalry, conspiracy theories with talking heads Vs vigilantes and curious explanations to the inner workings of a cash machine.. You should really have read this book by now. You’ll never pass a gnome so carefree again! 

 

There you have it folks!

If you’ve not gone out and got yourself one of these rare first editions! now is the time to think about it

Mr Pinter

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

Poor old Harold Pinter

Went away and died this winter

At least he didn’t lose

Even his death, got great reviews

Some Double News!!!

Friday, December 19th, 2008

If you know me, you’ve probably had a hard time avoiding the knowledge that my first published article is currently out in Philosophy Now magazine.

And you can even read it without buying a copy for a month or so while it is on their website. Though it is worth buying a copy, it’s a pretty good magazine (a fact for which I’m glad as they gave me a free subscription :P ).

 

In other news, the front cover my novel is now official :

my book

Watch this space for more details.

 

In further news, some simple soul with the I.P. 194.8.74.155 has been valiantly trying to spam the comments section for quite some time now.

Despite not getting even one past the filter, it hasn’t deterred them from throwing almost three hundred comments my way.

Apparently this is going to make us all keener on the products they’re selling.

If you’re the sort who likes messing with people’s computers, feel free to experiment on him.

First They Came for the Smokers

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

First they came for the smokers,

And I did not speak out

Because I don’t smoke

 

Then they came for the fatties

And I did not speak out,

Because I’m Size 6 darling

 

Then they came for the winos

And I did not speak out,

Because I was embarrassed about my all the vodka bottles in our recycling box…

 

Then they came for the druggies

And I did not speak out,

Because I only smoked it that one time at uni and didn’t inhale…

 

Then they came for me…

And I said “fuck it”

Because there was nobody interesting left to speak out to anyway

 

———–

 

I do at times feel genuine regret for my zealous support of the UK smoking ban. Oh yes we all knew it was a bit authoritarian, but we didn’t mind, because smokers are annoying.

The only complaint I voiced was that we couldn’t force other people that annoy me to stand outside the bar as well.

But I fear we have started something that is rolling beyond our control. seen Jamie’s Ministry of Food on T.V?

 

Well in the same way that Ingsoc’s Ministry of Love tortured people, Ministry of Truth rewrote history, Ministry of Peace fought wars and the Ministry of Plenty dealt with tight ration controls, Jamie’s ministry of food seems to be primarily concerned with telling us not to eat things.

We beat up the smokers, and we all thought that would be the end of it. But the  beast has not been sated, it has only grown stronger and more confident. Now they have turned their eyes on food, and grumbling discontentedly about the “alcohol problem” in Britain.

 

How long before they make people ordering chips in a restaurant stand outside in the cold and rain to protect the rest of us from passive-eating?

Our society is becoming santised, and it isn’t a good thing. For robots or lab-specimins maybe, but not for humans.

 

The arguments they field are typically NHS based, “well we have to pay for their healthcare so it isn’t fair that they have unhealthy lifestyles”.

It takes a very dangerous and unpleasant mind to think that way. The point of universal healthcare is not to gain control over people’s lifestyles, though it appears to be becoming the logical conclusion.

The point is to stop health being a designer product for the rich and powerful.

These are the sorts of people that will help you “for your own good” and snarl with self-righteous indignation if you should resist their unwelcome advances.

They’ll hide behind the mask of charity and do-gooding, but ultimately all they want is control. They want their own perfect little society, with everything in its designated place (designated by them, according to their plan) and they will never leave you be. Because even though your lifestyle is none of their business, you’re making their perfect world messy, and they cannot abide untidiness.

 

I think (and a lot of smokers that have crossed me in debate in the past are going to feel very smug for hearing this) that I was in the wrong about the smoking ban. I think cancer of the lungs is trivial ailment, compared to cancer of the Nation.

 

I think it’s time that we started saying No To Utopia.

All the Good People Are Dead

Saturday, September 20th, 2008

They did for Socrates 
Shot Lennon in the head
They crucified poor Jesus
All the good people are dead

Martin Luther, Noe Ito?
Che Guevara, JFK
If you’re not an arsehole
People make sure that you pay

Ghandi was a goner
Malcom X doomed to die
Thank god Bush is evil
Or we say to him bye bye

The man who drives my bus
lent me money for a fare
I didn’t have the change 
but he said he didn’t care

A gesture quite so kind
put tears into my eye
Cos now I know the truth
My bus driver has to die

 

 

—–

 

It occurs to me I’ve been neglecting the blog as usual, so DUCK here comes some writing.

 

Also, to those patient souls who bother to post comments, thanks, I do get round to approving them eventually.

 

It’s quite possible a few get lost amoung the viagra adverts. It’s not cos I don’t love ya.

A Penny For Their Thoughts

Monday, May 26th, 2008

 

 

A Penny For Their Thoughts

‘Tis a heavy burden,
A working human brain,
For when the world’s an idiot,
The clever man’s insane,

It weighs in at three pounds,
If you have the full amount,
Though it seems most folks I know,
Got theirs at a discount,

If you dare to stand aloft,
And say the ship is sinking,
They will throw you overboard,
For the crime of of thinking,

The world it is an idiot,
Its thoughts come off the shelf,
And Wise Man is a lunatic,
For talking to himself

Synchronised Sinning

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

For your amusement and pleasure…

Some verse I scribbled to amuse the good folks at StagePlays.com forum.

——

There are two types of folk
Out here in the world

And thus we must admit

That while half sit and write this crap
the others sit and read it