The Dail Mail have decided to report the alleged dangers of cannabis by claiming that it increases risk of schizophrenia by 40%
They have however, it seems, neglected to mention that this is an increase from 1% risk to 1.4% risk…
In other news, heart disease remains the UKs biggest killer.
I should, I suppose, be thankful, since it is idiots like this that provide me with such a wealth of material for plays like “Who Killed Cannabis Sativa?”
Well I’ve been at it since I got back in from work on friday, stopping only for tea, cider, about 4 hours sleep, more tea and occasional forays into the wilderness. My eyes are red, my hermitage cell is in an extreme state of disarray… but it’s done. First Draft of my play “Jenga” The title is a temporary one, because I have an irrational aversion to one-word titles. Also considering “Tyrants Tower” and “Foodchain Store” It’s the strange comic tale of Alan & Bobbert, two men who wake up inside a collapsed/collapsing office building, with little memory of what happened… only to discover that things get even weirder than that. The dead aren’t dying, the Production Department has started a Soviet Republic on the third floor, human resources turn out to be robots and Catering Department have turned to cannibalism… but this isn’t everything. Something is wrong, the building is… changing… and our unlikely heroes must unravel the mystery of the tower before everything comes undone… IT’S GREAT. And I may just post some samples of it when I get a spare minute. But first. I need to collapse in a corner somewhere
Well the book is out, and people (god help them) have actually read it, so in the spirit of actually remembering to update my blog once in a blue moon, I thought I would post a few reviews.
Firstly, one from Australia’s Guerilla Capitalist and Anarchist rebel Royce Christian, kindly posted on his blog
t was Thursday.
Detective Cold Turkey knew this because he had read it in his horoscope yesterday. Say what you like about astrologers but they know what the day is. They even know what the day is going to be, which was more than Cold Turkey could usually say for himself.
He felt hung over. His body felt like it had lost an arms race with a major superpower. This was far from ideal but at least it went some way to explaining the terrible pain in his head. Heck, it was even a partial explanation for the rope and the blindfold.
There was still, however, one mystery that had not, as yet, become clear.
Even as the thin mists of consciousness enveloped his feeble mind and started to kick-start reality, Cold Turkey knew it was going to be a bad day. He knew this not because of his horoscope but because he was hanging upside down, some distance from the floor, in ever increasing agony.
Good days do not start like this.
Admittedly Cold Turkey had been having a ‘bad lifespan’ but this really took the biscuit.
This was almost as bad as the Unfortunate Misunderstanding with the Broccoli, except that there were fewer victims this time and he was immobilised with rope rather than used copies of Gardeners World. It was altogether too much for a Thursday Morning. He couldn’t even remember where he left Wednesday evening, let alone anything important like: where is the aspirin? And, what didn’t I do last night?
Cold’s stomach started suggesting that it might be about to take matters into his own hands and begin examining the evidence from the previous evening.
Things clearly couldn’t go on like this, so Cold decided on a firm course of action. He struggled lamely against his bindings and went “mmpmmh”.
It was at this point in the proceedings that Cold Turkey heard something interesting and enlightening.
Cold Turkey could list many noises he didn’t like to hear whilst hung over. “Ah, he is awake, let’s teach him a lesson he won’t forget in a hurry” wasn’t one of them, but he was none the happier to hear it anyway.
He left the familiar and unhappy torture of his hangover and entered the slightly less familiar world of searing pain.
And to think this had all started only last Friday.
Cold knew it had been a Friday because he had read it in his horoscope.
And so begins he tale of Cold Turkey and the Case of the Missing Crime by Samuel Morris, a comical, surreal and seemingly absurdist tale set in none other than the English city of Stoke-on-Trent, and focusing on the misadventures of the former superhero turned private detective, Cold Turkey as he fights to save the city from the evil Captain Rightwing.
The novel itself is something akin to what you would expect of a comic book’s debauched liaison with a DvD containing a season of the Mighty Boosh; a series of non sequiters, private in-jokes and witty observations folded neatly around a bizarre story-line of lycra wearing super-heroes, some bad, some good, most useless.
As you probably have guessed, the novel itself is described by its author as ‘anarchistic’ who, as legend has it, is himself an Anarchist of some description. Although the novel is far from a didactic piece, but there are moments of clarity where the reader is slapped in the face with a mildly camouflaged anti-state moral, often amidst moments of chaos or calamity to illustrate the point.
Whether it’s a description of the banking system as one that is easier to break into the cavernous halls of the vault than it is to break out, or the mere image of a‘regiment of freelance superheros’ atop a police van (with the police logo ‘Lice’ formerly written upon the side) converted into a boat for the purpose of beginning the battle against against the evil-doers to cries of “Up the revolution!” and “Bacon sarnies for the people!” –there are many reason to read Cold Turkey.
Samuel Morris, truly has his own unique style. It’s his witty turn of phrase that makes the book a great read, and if you have a quirky, off-beat sense of humour,Cold Turkey will certainly appeal.
Now we come to the shameless plug, where I urge you to buy the novel and support Samuel is his David-and-Goliath struggle against some equally shameless publishing giants who have refused to publish the book.
So, Samuel has decided to publish independently.
Cold Turkey may be purchased through Amazon, directly through the publisherMelrose Books, or through any small bookshop with the ISBN;
ISBN-10: 1906561303
ISBN-13: 978-1906561307
Help keep Samuel Morris in a healthy supply of biscuits so that he may continue writing.
And nextly, The Amazon Reviews, at least one of whom doesn’t appear to be from somebody I know
By Mike Capay “Chen Tui” (Cambridgeshire, UK) - See all my reviews The more I read of this the more I enjoyed until I found I couldn’t put it down. This author has his own style and, whilst influences can be detected, the style is unque and very enjoyable. It’s light-hearted and concerns an unlikely hero, a useless private detective named ‘Cold Turkey’, who assisted by Big Fat Martin, unwittingly fights to save Stoke from domination by the treacherous Mr. Rightwing (of the Union of Crimefighting Super Heroes) after Cold determines to find out how £10 was stolen from his bank account. There are some delightfully bizarre characters, especially India, the Hippy Assassin who has some rather surprising tools of his trade. And you’ll find the explanation of how Bank Accounts and Cash Machines work both very odd, plausible and hilarious. My one criticism is that the author’s photo is on the inside rear of the dustjacket and if, like me, you use this as a book mark, you may be disturbed by the way his eyes peer out at you as if his strange powers are helping him watch you reading…
By HS “GM” (SCOTLAND) - See all my reviews An extremely funny book if you enjoy off beat humour. Deserves 5 stars but I gave it four as it needs editing. A good editor could turn this into a bestseller and it would make a hoot of a film. Most I’ve enjoyed a novel this year and I read a lot. More please.
| By | Ms. V. S. Leith “purple_bus” (London) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME) |
I absolutely LOVED this book! What makes a Hero super? What indeed. Very sad to have consumed already- Write another one! If you like hopeless situations, sibling rivalry, conspiracy theories with talking heads Vs vigilantes and curious explanations to the inner workings of a cash machine.. You should really have read this book by now. You’ll never pass a gnome so carefree again!
There you have it folks!
If you’ve not gone out and got yourself one of these rare first editions! now is the time to think about it
The day is finally here folks,
My book is officially out in the real world!
Cold Turkey and the Case of the Missing Crime is available through Melrose Books, or Amazon or… anywhere if you nag them enough
http://www.melrosebooks.com/bookDetails.php?id=234
Photo compliments of my mother 
Poor old Harold Pinter
Went away and died this winter
At least he didn’t lose
Even his death, got great reviews
If you know me, you’ve probably had a hard time avoiding the knowledge that my first published article is currently out in Philosophy Now magazine.
And you can even read it without buying a copy for a month or so while it is on their website. Though it is worth buying a copy, it’s a pretty good magazine (a fact for which I’m glad as they gave me a free subscription 
).
In other news, the front cover my novel is now official :
Watch this space for more details.
In further news, some simple soul with the I.P. 194.8.74.155 has been valiantly trying to spam the comments section for quite some time now.
Despite not getting even one past the filter, it hasn’t deterred them from throwing almost three hundred comments my way.
Apparently this is going to make us all keener on the products they’re selling.
If you’re the sort who likes messing with people’s computers, feel free to experiment on him.
First they came for the smokers,
And I did not speak out
Because I don’t smoke
Then they came for the fatties
And I did not speak out,
Because I’m Size 6 darling
Then they came for the winos
And I did not speak out,
Because I was embarrassed about my all the vodka bottles in our recycling box…
Then they came for the druggies
And I did not speak out,
Because I only smoked it that one time at uni and didn’t inhale…
Then they came for me…
And I said “fuck it”
Because there was nobody interesting left to speak out to anyway
———–
I do at times feel genuine regret for my zealous support of the UK smoking ban. Oh yes we all knew it was a bit authoritarian, but we didn’t mind, because smokers are annoying.
The only complaint I voiced was that we couldn’t force other people that annoy me to stand outside the bar as well.
But I fear we have started something that is rolling beyond our control. seen Jamie’s Ministry of Food on T.V?
Well in the same way that Ingsoc’s Ministry of Love tortured people, Ministry of Truth rewrote history, Ministry of Peace fought wars and the Ministry of Plenty dealt with tight ration controls, Jamie’s ministry of food seems to be primarily concerned with telling us not to eat things.
We beat up the smokers, and we all thought that would be the end of it. But the beast has not been sated, it has only grown stronger and more confident. Now they have turned their eyes on food, and grumbling discontentedly about the “alcohol problem” in Britain.
How long before they make people ordering chips in a restaurant stand outside in the cold and rain to protect the rest of us from passive-eating?
Our society is becoming santised, and it isn’t a good thing. For robots or lab-specimins maybe, but not for humans.
The arguments they field are typically NHS based, “well we have to pay for their healthcare so it isn’t fair that they have unhealthy lifestyles”.
It takes a very dangerous and unpleasant mind to think that way. The point of universal healthcare is not to gain control over people’s lifestyles, though it appears to be becoming the logical conclusion.
The point is to stop health being a designer product for the rich and powerful.
These are the sorts of people that will help you “for your own good” and snarl with self-righteous indignation if you should resist their unwelcome advances.
They’ll hide behind the mask of charity and do-gooding, but ultimately all they want is control. They want their own perfect little society, with everything in its designated place (designated by them, according to their plan) and they will never leave you be. Because even though your lifestyle is none of their business, you’re making their perfect world messy, and they cannot abide untidiness.
I think (and a lot of smokers that have crossed me in debate in the past are going to feel very smug for hearing this) that I was in the wrong about the smoking ban. I think cancer of the lungs is trivial ailment, compared to cancer of the Nation.
I think it’s time that we started saying No To Utopia.
As people are probably sick of hearing, the US is opening the doors for a 700 billion dollar fund of corporate welfare, to reward bankers for fucking the world economy.
Frustrating, yes
Scary, yes
But one still can’t help but feeling a little smug. Since this essentially constitutes socialism (welfare, benefits, the collective protecting itself) bailing out capitalism.
Maybe they’ll be less quick to espouse the virtues of US capitalism, now that it has fallen at the feet of it’s rival ideology for mercy…
Well one can but hope.
We all know that a capitalist isn’t <i>really</i> opposed to taxes and welfare, so long as it is being used to feed and clothe the rich, who have worked so hard for this hand-out.
Why, all over Wall Street rich men are singing the praises of pulling together, and helping out our fellow man.
It surely won’t be long till we see Oxfam appeals, live from the stock exchange, showing poor starved executives, who must walk 700 yards to the nearest bus-stop, and don’t even have a trophy-wife to their name anymore, and just a few million pounds a month could end these woes.
“give a man loan and he’ll be rich for a day. Give him control of the national banking infrastructure with an almost bottomless bail-out fund, and he’ll be rich for the rest of his life”
Cut to scene of laughing fat men.
In other news, unemployment is rising, with no notable increase in money set aside for the dole
Vegetarianism
If you were a Martian visiting the planet Earth, you could easily be forgiven for believing that vegetarians were a bloodthirsty, militant sect, positively armed to the teeth and prepared to make war against the helpless and peaceful denizens of civilisation. Judging purely by what the other ninety four percent of the population has to say about us that is.
Yes, yes, I can already hear the words coming out of your mouth:
“Oh no! He is one of those militant vegetarians about to jump on his soapbox!”
Well yes and no. I’ve never considered myself a “militant” veggie, in fact, I’ve always found the term somewhat mystifying, never having encountered one. Most of the vegetarians I know are reluctant to speak about their dietary choice, unless talking to another veggie, or pressed into conversation about it by an omnivore.
But I am about to jump up on my soapbox. Sorry folks, but this has been building for some time. It’s strange, but vegetarianism has been the only thing I have ever experienced any form of prejudice over, yet I’ve never tried to “convert” a non-vegetarian, and tend always to shy away from debate on the subject. Despite the fact that I would eat most omnivores alive in such a debate, and despite the fact that virtually every omnivore I have ever known has at least once tried to convince me of the merits of their diet, and furnished me with unrequested justifications for their murder of other species.
I get treated like a nuisance and a chore at meals and trips out, have been verbally abused by staff at restaurants, and am expected to endure any number of jokes at my expense with good humour. If any vegetarian should dare to answer back to the standard barrage of bigotry, they are instantly labelled a wild militant proselytising veggie.
I need to get this off my chest, so here it comes. My normally unspoken response to the stupidest things I hear said about my diet.
The Myth of the Militant Veggie
Every omnivore will talk about these people as though they cannot even get out the door without having to fight one off. Odd, since we don’t even constitute a tenth of the population in most western nations. They will roll their eyes and tut about how much they loathe them.
Here is some news for you:
There. Is. No. Such. Thing. The so-called extremist veggies, are usually just people you have cornered at a meal table. Every time my diet has been discovered by an omnivore, I have been expected to defend it, as though the very fact of my existence is a challenge. Every such discussion will mean having to endure the standard of effluent mush from self-appointed diet and ethics experts explaining their half-baked theories of why my diet is wrong. Most people that get pigeonholed as militant veggies are simply people that are sick of this shit. We just want to eat our meals, so please don’t take offence when you decide to pounce on us, and we reply in a manner that is less than obsequious.
What annoys me most, is that the smug critics of “militant veggies” are usually equally militant about their own moral qualms, it’s just that they aren’t forced to defend them every lunchtime.
Imagine if every time you tried to sleep with someone over 18, someone barged in and said “Oh my god, you don’t believe in fucking twelve year olds? Why?” And proceeded to explain why you should (twelve is the legal age of consent in more than one country you know…) and you might understand why some veggies start to feel a bit touchy on the subject of their diet.
So someone is a tad sensitive about having to defend their ethical stance against murder every meal time?
Well gee-fucking-willikers! What a surprise.
Humans Are Designed to Eat Meat…
Don’t you love it when people use superstitious anthropocentric teleological brain-farts in place of logical discourse?
Right.
Humans are not designed to do anything, you fucking imbecile. Keep your absurd religious beliefs to yourself, and then maybe I’ll keep my diet to myself. Humans evolved, from monkeys. Early human diets probably got their protein from small insects, not great lumps of cow flesh. Yes, human evolutionary history certainly includes the eating of meat, it also includes rape, living in trees and throwing shit at one another. This does not present us with a teleological imperative to eat meat, it is not a justification, it is simply a fact about the past. Trace our ancestry back far enough and you’ll find fish, should modern humans breathe underwater? The only “fact” about our diet in this regard is that we require protein and certain vitamins, all of which are attainable through a vegetarian diet without supplements. Meat is one way of getting those things, but it is not the only way.
You’re as bad as us! Cos you kill plants and plants might be able to feel pain!!!
This argument does genuinely does make me reconsider my stance on vegetarianism. Because I think “anyone stupid enough to try and field that as a rational argument, clearly needs to be removed from the human gene-pool for our good and theirs” and fuck it, if we’re killing them anyway, we may as well eat them for tidiness sake.
Now, I appreciate that you were probably never told this in primary school. This was because most primary school educators assumed it was self evident, that not even a lobotomy victim would fail to grasp the startling fact… Plants do not have brains. They do not experience life the same way that we do. Yes, there may well be some plant equivalent to displeasure, but to claim that their experience is analogous to ours, or even comprehensible to us, requires a special degree of mental ineptitude. Oh yes, you can invoke rhetoric and intellectual dishonesty, and point out that I don’t know what it is like to be a plant, and they might well feel pain and unhappiness at being eaten, but this argument could quite easily be applied to anything. It has the same degree of intellectual substance as claiming that eating shrimp may well upset Jehova.
Yes, Plants may well feel pain, and the invisible pink unicorn may well punish us for eating corn flakes. The simple fact is, we cannot possibly know, so as a statement it is entirely without meaning or content. However, we do know what physical pain is like, we do know what fear of death is like, we can clearly see that animals experience physical and emotional distress just like ours when confronted with pain and death.
We also know that an omnivorous diet is not a nutritional necessity, but simply a meaningless lifestyle choice.
Oh I know the “plants feel pain” defence was your favourite, I know, I know, it was a beautiful theory ruined by an ugly truth. Get over it. It wasn’t a valid argument when you spewed it up, it isn’t one now, and it won’t ever be. The only thing it provides evidence for is the possibility that you aren’t a thinking intelligent creature.
Well you aren’t saving any animal lives by not eating meat…
Well, aside from being an outright lie (the meat industry is a good 6-7% smaller than it would be if we ate meat, simple logic, give it a try sometime) this statement is based on an extremely shaky ethical assumption.
The point isn’t that we are saving all the cows, the point is that we aren’t killing them. Would you apply the same logic to abortions or the holocaust? No? Of course not, because it’s fucking ridiculous.
If a woman is going to be raped anyway, would you join in?
Vegetarianism is a luxury, what if you were starving to death and had nothing but a cow/sheep/duck/kitten/etc?
If there was a famine, and people were starving to death, why the fuck would they waste the bulk of their edible resources raising an animal, that will provide them with barely a quarter of the same amount of food in return?
When you produce meat, you are throwing away food because meat is a secondary food source. The idea that hard times would force people to adopt meat-eating diets is patently absurd. Why don’t you take a trip to the third world, and ask them how many times a week they have steak?
Meat is a luxury product, ecologically unsound and wildly inefficient to produce. If you were starving in a desert, you wouldn’t eat a cow, you would tuck into your grain like everyone else, imbecile. Sorry to break the illusion for you.
And if for some reason I were forced to kill an animal to survive, well what of it? It’s a completely different ethical situation to our current one. We don’t have to kill animals to survive. We have a choice. And one of those choices leaves you less prone to cancer, is better for the enviroment, less expensive, causes less heart disease…
But we stun the animals, so they feel no pain…
And I drugged your sister with Rohypnol, so she won’t even remember…
But it isn’t wrong to kill weaker beings for food…
Good, I’ll eat you
But…but… but
Shut up already. I’m done (exhales). So next time you’re at a meal, and about to abuse the veggie with the usual line-up of flaccid inanities, please, just think back over this, see if it has already been covered. You might just spare yourself an encounter with a militant veggie.
Our diet is better than yours, morally, ecologically, medically and economically. But if you don’t bother us, we might just keep it to ourselves.